April 26th - "Who Knows Where the Path Leads?"

Since my cancer relapsed in mid-February, there is one question that has repeatedly been asked of Dave and me....and it the question that really drives me crazy. The question is asked in a number of different ways but it comes down to asking how much longer I will need to go through treatment:

• “So, how many more rounds of chemo will you have?”
• “How much longer until you think you’ll have surgery?”
• “When do the doctors think you’ll be done?”

And my answer is always the same: “I DON’T KNOW AND STOP ASKING ME THAT QUESTION!” It reminds me of an episode of The Smurfs (remember them?) when Papa Smurf was taking one of the baby smurfs somewhere and every 2 seconds the baby asked “how much father Papa Smurf?” By the 10^th time, Papa Smurf exploded and said “We’ll get there when we get there!” Well, that is how I feel.

I don’t mean to get so angry. It is a completely rational and appropriate question to ask. Like Dave and me, most of our friends are over-achieving, type-A people who like to have a handle on things. We set a goal and we achieve it. It is hard to live life without control of a situation or a path that outlines how one will get to a specific goal. But unfortunately, in the case of my treatment, we all must live with a certain amount of ambiguity and uncertainty.

Even my Dr’s who are the best in the world don’t know how much longer I will be dealing with this. I get a CT scan every 6 weeks and we look at the results. Every 6 weeks we create a new plan. So, as far as I know, I could have surgery in 3 weeks, 3 months or 3 years. I need to be prepared for anything. And believe me, that is not easy. I think I get angry when people ask me the question because believe me, I wish I knew the answer!

I also think that the question is fundamentally flawed. Asking someone “how much longer?” implies that the current situation is uncomfortable or not good and you want to move beyond it. The truth is, Dave and I are going to be living with this for the rest of our lives. When I finish chemotherapy, I will have surgery. When I finish surgery, I most likely will have more chemotherapy. When I finish more chemotherapy, I will be getting check-ups every 3 months and hope the cancer doesn’t come back. If I can make it through 3-5 years of cancer-free checkups, I need to live with the reality that, for the rest of my life, there is a 10-20% chance the cancer will come back.

Because Dave and I need to live with this reality for the rest of our lives, there is no such thing as “how much longer?” It implies and ending that in our minds doesn’t exist. Many people would say “Oh, what a horrible way to have to live life…never feeling like you are in the clear”. But, Dave and I look at it differently…we accept it. Every day is a new day and we live it to the fullest. We accept my cancer as a chronic illness that doesn’t necessarily have an end…and we adjust.

So please don’t ask me “how much longer” any more. The answer is “for the rest of our lives”. Let’s accept this and truly appreciate every day that we all have together.

April 13th – “So far so Good”

I had my first CT Scan this week and the results are very encouraging. Dr. Maki reported that one of my tumors is already considerably smaller and the other one has “shown signs” of reacting to the chemotherapy. Originally, the Dr. thought that the second tumor was attached to my pancreas which might make for a more difficult surgery down the road. However, the second tumor has moved a bit within my abdominal area which is a sign that it may not be attached to an organ which is good news for both my surgeon (easier surgery) and me (easier recovery).

Apparently, only about 50% of the time, Dr’s can see a response to chemotherapy after just six weeks of treatment so this “activity” is very good.

And my prize for responding so well to the chemo…another 6 weeks of chemo! The Dr. told us to be prepared for 3-12 months of chemo so this is not surprising. Although I was hoping he would say I am done!

I left the Dr’s office feeling upbeat but not as excited and happy as I thought I should have been. I guess the hardest part for me during this whole process is to understand what good news really is…I mean, the last time I went through chemo, I could not have responded better (if you remember, the Dr’s said I was in the top 5% of all cases and I asked “why not the top 1%?!?”) and the cancer still came back after 14 months. I have to get used to the fact that any appointment with an “the absence of bad news” is a good meeting.

A friend of mine equated my response to an athlete who gets an injury and is forced to be in physical rehabilitation for a period of time. The athlete really is not that interested in the process of his treatment (e.g. “it looks like the bone is healing well”); they are just interested in when they can start to get in the game again. For me, I just want to know when I can sit back and not worry about this anymore. Unfortunately, we all know that this will not be the case for many years. Even after my active treatment, I still need to get through at least 3 years until odds are in my favor that I won’t relapse again. This is a hard pill to swallow. So, I am working hard to get used to taking “one meeting at a time” and celebrating the small wins along the way. I guess this is a good lesson. I think many of us would live a happier, more fulfilled life if we took this lesson to heart: one day at a time, celebrating the ordinary good news along the way.

Dave and I asked Dr. Maki to show us the scans this time and point out my tumors. It may come as a surprise to many of you, but we had never really examined them before. Why should we? We trust MSKCC and my entire team of Dr’s and we believe in them. As we looked at the “ tumors” (he pointed them out and I couldn’t even differentiate between my tumors and my organs), I thought that it is incredibly ironic that I haven’t felt the effects of the tumors since December, 2004 when I was first diagnosed.

As you remember, the tumor had progressed so far by that point that I was experiencing fairly significant side effects (fevers, night sweats, weight loss). Since my surgery in December, 2004, I have felt great! The only side effects that I have experienced are due to the chemotherapy rather than the cancer.

Dave keeps on reminding me that it is better this way; to feel great and live a normal life as opposed to be constantly “reminded” of the disease. I know this is the right way to think about it but sometimes, I can’t help but feel like I am on Candid Camera or Punk’d and this whole thing is a joke. “Jen, we just wanted to see how you would handle cancer, but don’t worry, you really don’t have it”.

It’s made me realize that I have complete faith in the team at MSKCC. I am going through surgeries, chemotherapy etc. because they “tell” me I have tumors, not because I feel them. I looked up “faith” in the dictionary the other day and the definition is belief that is not based on proof. I realize that although the Dr’s have all the “proof” they need in the form of x-rays, CT scans, blood work etc, that I feel no proof or evidence that I have the disease.

As I went on an 8 mile run yesterday and felt GREAT the entire time, I realized that it’s probably better for me to have faith in the Dr’s and no proof of the disease. Let’s hope this continues!

April 6, 2007 – “Celebrating 40 in Ft. Myers”

One of the many things I truly love about Dr. Maki is that he allows me to live the life I want. He refuses to let cancer get in the way of a patient’s life.

I remember the first time I met him in January, 2005 he told me that he would see me “exhausted because I was living my life to the fullest” rather than have me “live like a boy in a bubble and stay at home waiting to feel bad”. I knew at that first meeting that he was the Dr. for me! Since my original diagnosis, he has encouraged me to go the gym, go out with friends, work a full week and take trips to visit family and friends.

Many Doctors do not allow patients to travel during chemotherapy for fear that their low immunity will cause a severe infection. Dave and I were so grateful that Dr. Maki wholeheartedly agreed that it was good for our bodies and our hearts to visit Florida to celebrate Barbara and Herb’s 40^th anniversary.

We spent 5 days in a beautiful house in Ft. Myers beach with the entire Linn family and had a great time! In addition to flying kites on the beach, playing golf, visiting the Red Sox Spring Training Camp and eating a lot of ice-cream, we got to spend quality time with those we love most!

It was very hard to leave the vacation 2 days early to come back for more chemotherapy. I was angry that I had to cut a vacation short because of this annoying, inconvenient disease. I guess the only thing I would like more than a sunny family vacation is to be declared cancer-free again.

March 28, 2007 - "Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow"

There is an angel who resides at Barry Hendrickson’s salon on 60^th and Broadway. His name is Edward and he is responsible for “outfitting” me with my wigs both times I have had the unfortunate experience of losing my hair.

Edward cut hair for over 15 years and then decided to go into the wig design business because he believed it was a way for him to produce more creative work and to “do good” by helping people who lose their hair as a result of chemotherapy treatments. He is gentle, kind and can make you look and feel fabulous at a time when you don’t feel that fabulous at all.

Although I hate to admit that I am vain, the prospect of losing my hair was a lot harder to digest this time around. The first time it was a bit of a novelty and I had NO IDEA how long it would take to grow back. I finished chemo 14 months ago and I was finally in a place where I was starting to like my hair again. I am attaching a picture so you can see what I looked like before I started chemo again.

Whereas last time I wanted very basic, functional wigs, I decided this time that I wanted to jazz things up a bit. I had so much fun trying on long, short, blonde etc. I wanted something professional and hip for my new job but also something that was cute and very easy for casual days and weekends. Edward was able to “evolve” one of my old wigs so that I could take advantage of the current “headband” trend. I went out last week and bought about 20 headbands…one for every outfit I love!

The Doctors told me that my hair would likely begin to thin and fall out about 2-3 weeks after my first does of Taxotere. Dave and I were set to be in Florida that week with his family and I was not thrilled with the idea that my hair would fall out far away from home (and from the comfort of Edward who helped shave it off last time). Sure enough, 3 days into our FloridaFort Myers. vacation, I could not wait any longer and Dave and I found a salon in

And at this salon, I met another angel named Kay. Kay had retired to Ft. Myers about 10 years prior and was a cancer survivor herself. She said just the right things and she pledged that she was channeling all of her good thoughts and wishes through the electric razor.

I am much more comfortable being bald this time around. Although I must say that I am really enjoying my new wigs!

March 16, 2007 – “One Round Down….Who Knows How Many to Go”

I have completed one round of chemo and I feel really good. This time I have chemo as an out-patient at the MSKCC clinic and it is so much nicer and easier than last time when I had to spend 3 consecutive days in the hospital. The nurses are wonderful (here is a picture of me with Heather who takes care of me every week).

My chemo regimen is fairly quick and easy. I spend the first Friday getting one drug (Gemcitabine) for an hour and a half. With the free lunch I get and the Law and OrderMarathon on TNT, those 90 minutes goes by very fast! The next Friday, I receive two drugs (another dose of the Gemcitabine and Taxotere), which takes 2.5 hours. This also goes by very quickly. Then, the following Friday, I get a day off before we begin the 3 week cycle again.

Like last time, I have been acutely aware of my body and all of the symptoms and side effects that I may experience. Luckily, I have had very few, if any, real issues. The first week I hardly even notice I am on chemotherapy. I feel great, go to the gym, have a normal appetite etc. The second week becomes a bit harder because I have to take steroids with the bigger chemo dose to guard against nausea. The steroids tend to make me very hungry and give me horrible insomnia. So, I spend the first few days after the second week of chemo walking around like a zombie because I don’t sleep at night. I told my Dr. that because I have not been experiencing serious nausea, I’d like to stop taking the steroids and he is open to it. So hopefully I will start to sleep better. I still go to the gym and exercise but I tend to be a bit more “drained” this week.

My taste buds tend to change a lot during this week as well. Nothing tastes like it usually does. I have been very amused by what I like to eat and what I shun because of the taste. High on the list of “yum” are mango, pineapple, rice, steak, ice-cream and diet coke. On the list of “watch out, I’m going to barf”, are chicken, vegetables, soup and yogurt.

I was telling Dave the other day that I probably am experiencing similar symptoms to that of someone who is pregnant. I have mild night sweats and mild nausea. It’s amazing how those same symptoms are considered either “wonderful” or “terrible” based on your situation. For instance, when you’re pregnant, although it is not fun to sweat and be nauseous, you are excited and ‘welcome’ the symptoms to an extent because it means you are having a child. When you have a disease like cancer those same symptoms are viewed as “scary” or “horrible” or induce great sympathy and sadness in people. It’s ironic to me that the same exact symptoms could produce such different feelings or emotions in people. So, I’ve decided to pretend I am pregnant and that I really enjoy the symptoms! Well, not exactly but I’ve decided to not be “scared” by them and accept that this means that the drugs are doing their job and that the cancer’s days are numbered.

March 6, 2007 - "Who is that Lady Up on the Stage?"

On Tuesday March 6^th, I experienced one of the most amazing things I have seen in a LONG time…my mom’s acting debut in a benefit performance of The Vagina Monologues!

When my mom retired about 3 years ago, she created a list of things she would love to do while she is still on this earth…and she has slowly but surely conquered every single one!

Very high on the list was to do some sort of performance. Little did she know when she joined up with the National Council of Jewish Women that the play she would be signing up for was The Vagina Monologues! Talk about an intimidating way to get your feet wet.

For those of you who are not familiar with the play, The Vagina Monologues is an award-winning episodic play written by Eve Ensler. Ensler wrote the piece to "celebrate the vagina," and the play is a series of monologues with women speaking about various experiences with their vagina. Ensler sees the vagina as being a tool of empowerment through which women can achieve total femininity and individuality. She claims inspiration for the piece came from Tina Turner: "I love Tina Turner. She's a woman who fully inhabits her vagina” The purpose of the piece changed from a celebration of vaginas and femininity to a movement to stop violence against women.

My mother refused to tell anyone in my family what her role was in the play. She just said “show up and be ready!” That is exactly what we did on March 6^th and we loved every minute of it!

My mother’s monologue was entitled My Angry Vagina, a piece in which a woman humorously rants about injustices wrought against the vagina, such as tampons, douches and OB/GYN visits. She was the last monologue before the intermission and she brought the house down! Everyone around us was howling with laughter. I was so proud of my mom that I told EVERYONE around me “that’s my mom!”

It is TREMENDOUSLY inspiring to see someone succeed at something that they have never done before, especially when you know how much fear they had to overcome in order to be doing it in the first place. Even if she didn’t perform well, forgot her lines and ran off the stage crying, she would have been a star in my eyes. She made me think that if all of us got over our fears and “seized the day”, how much more we could accomplish and how much more good we could do in the world.

I loved every single minute of my mom’s theatrical debut. But the part I loved the most, and was most touched by, was my mom’s dedication in the Play Bill: “Sandy Goodman wishes to dedicate her acting debut to her feisty, courageous, beautiful daughter Jen Linn whom she so admire and deeply loves. Carpe Diem!”

I love you Mom and am so honored to learn from your example!

And now…what you’ve all been waiting for…my mom’s monologue!

The Angry Vagina

MY VAGINA'S ANGRY!

IT IS!

IT'S PISSED OFF!

MY VAGINA IS FURIOUS.

AND IT NEEDS TO TALK.

IT NEEDS TO TALK ABOUT ALL THIS SHIT.
AND IT NEEDS TO TALK TO YOU

I MEAN, WHAT IS THE DEAL?

AN ARMY OF PEOPLE OUT THERE THINKING UP WAYS

TO TORTURE MY POOR-ASS, GENTLE, LOVING VAGINA.

SPENDING THEIR DAYS CONSTRUCTING PSYCHO PRODUCTS AND NASTY
IDEAS TO UNDERMINE MY PUSSY.  VAGINA MOTHERFUCKERS!

ALL THIS SHIT THEY'RE CONSTANTLY TRYING TO SHOVE UP US.

SHOVE UP US, STUFF US UP, AND MAKE US GO AWAY.

WELL, MY VAGINA'S NOT GOING AWAY

IT'S PISSED OFF AND IT'S STAYING RIGHT HERE.

IS THERE ANYTHING YOUR VAGINA'S EVER BEEN ANGRY AT? HMM.

EVER BEEN ANGRY AT?

YES, AGAIN IT ALL HAS TO DO WITH THE...

INVASIVENESS ASPECT,

WHEN IT'S NOT READY.

WHEN IT HASN'T BEEN, UM...

WHEN IT HASN'T BEEN NURTURED.

LET'S JUST BEGIN WITH TAMPONS.

WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?

A DRY WAD OF FUCKING COTTON STUFFED UP THERE.

WHY CAN'T THEY FIND A WAY

TO SUBTLY LUBRICATE THE TAMPON?

AS SOON AS MY VAGINA SEES IT, IT GOES INTO SHOCK!

IT CLOSES UP.

IT SAYS, "FORGET IT."

YOU HAVE TO WORK WITH THE VAGINA, INTRODUCE IT TO THINGS

PREPARE THE WAY.

THAT'S WHAT FOREPLAY'S ALL ABOUT.

YOU'VE GOT TO CONVINCE MY VAGINA,

SEDUCE MY VAGINA,

ENGAGE MY VAGINA'S TRUST.

YOU CAN'T DO THAT WITH A DRY WAD OF FUCKING COTTON!

STOP SHOVING THINGS UP ME!

STOP SHOVING AND STOP CLEANING IT UP.

MY VAGINA DOESN'T NEED TO BE CLEANED UP.
IT SMELLS GOOD ALREADY

DON'T TRY TO DECORATE.

DON'T BELIEVE HIM WHEN HE TELLS YOU

IT SMELLS LIKE ROSE PETALS,

WHEN IT'S SUPPOSED TO SMELL LIKE PUSSY.

THAT'S WHAT THEY'RE DOING, YOU KNOW, TRYING TO CLEAN IT UP,

MAKE IT SMELL LIKE A BATHROOM SPRAY OR A GARDEN.

ALL THOSE DOUCHE SPRAYS.

FLORAL, BERRY, RAIN.

I DON'T WANT MY PUSSY TO SMELL LIKE RAIN!

THEN THERE'S THOSE EXAMS.

WHO THOUGHT UP THOSE EXAMS?

I KNOW THERE HAS TO BE A BETTER WAY

WHY THE SCARY PAPER DRESS THAT SCRATCHES YOUR TITS?

WHY THE FUNKY RUBBER GLOVES?

WHY THE FLASHLIGHT ALL UP THERE,

LIKE NANCY DREW WORKING AGAINST GRAVITY?

WHY THE NAZI STEEL STIRRUPS?

WHY THE MEAN, COLD DUCK LIPS THEY SHOVE INSIDE YOU?

WHAT IS THAT?

MY VAGINA IS FURIOUS ABOUT THESE VISITS

IT GETS DEFENDED WEEKS IN ADVANCE,

IT WON'T GO OU T OF THE HOUSE.

THEN YOU GET THERE

DON'T YOU LOVE THAT?

"RELAX YOUR VAGINA. RELAX, COME ON, SCOOT DOWN, SCOOT DOWN,
RELAX YOUR VAGINA."

WHY?

MY VAGINA'S NOT STUPID.

YOU'RE ABOUT TO SHOVE MEAN, COLD DUCK LIPS UP INSIDE IT!

. IT'S JUST HORRIBLE

FIRST THING, THE ROOM IS ALWAYS VERY COLD.

YOU KNOW, YOU'RE SITTING THERE,

SPREADING YOUR LEGS, IT'S JUST HORRIBLE

WHAT THEY CALL A SPECULUM, OR WHATEVER THAT THING IS?

I CAN'T STAND IT,

EVEN WHEN THAT LITTLE BRUSH THING FOR THE PAP
SMEAR GOES IN THERE,

IT MAKES ME CRINGE

AND THEY'RE LIKE, "OH, DOES THIS HURT WHEN I
SQUEEZE HERE?”

WELL, YEAH.

YOU'RE SQUEEZING MY VAGINA, IT'S NOT A COMFORTABLE FEELING.

WHY CAN'T THEY FIND SOME NICE, DELICIOUS PURPLE VELVET

AND WRAP IT AROUND ME,

, LAY ME DOWN IN SOM E FEATHERY COTTON SPREAD

PUT ON SOME FRIENDLY PINK OR BLUE GLOVES,

AND REST MY FEET IN SOME FUR-COVERED STIRRUPS?

WARM UP THE DUCK LIPS!

WORK WITH MY VAGINA!

! BUT NO, MORE TORTURES

DRY WAD OF FUCKING COTTON,

, COLD DUCK LIPS

THONG UNDERWEAR!

. THAT SHIT IS THE WORST

IT IS THE WORST.

IT MOVES AROUN D ALL THE TIME.

IT GETS STUCK IN THE BACK OF YOUR VAGINA,

REAL CRUSTY BUTT.

THE VAGINA IS SUPPOSED TO BE LOOSE AND WIDE,

NOT HELD TOGETHER.

THAT'S WHY GIRDLES ARE SO BAD.

E WE NEED TO MOV

AND SPREAD AND TALK.

VAGINAS NEED TO TALK.

WHY DON'T THEY MAKE SOMETHING COMFORTABLE,

SOMETHING TO GIVE THEM PLEASURE. OF COURSE THEY WON'T DO THAT

THEY HATE, HATE, HATE, HATE, HATE

TO SEE A WOMAN HAVING PLEASURE.

PARTICULARLY SEXUAL PLEASURE.

I SAY, MAKE A NICE PAIR OF WHITE COTTON UNDERPANTS

WITH A FRENCH TICKLER BUILT IN.

THAT'S RIGHT, THAT'S RIGHT.

WOMEN WOULD BE COMING ALL DAY.

COMING IN THE SUPERMARKETS.

"GIVE ME THE JUICE."

THEY WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO STAND IT.

SEEING ALL THESE ENERGIZED, NOT-TAKING-SHIT,

HOT, HAPPY VAGINAS COMING DOWN THE STREET.

IF MY VAGINA COULD TALK...

IT WOULD TALK ABOU T ITSELF LIKE ME.

IT WOULD TALK ABOU T OTHER FABULOUS VAGINAS

IT WOULD DO VAGINA IMPRESSIONS.

IT WOULD WEAR HARRY WINSTON DIAMONDS,

NO CLOTHING.

JUST THERE, ALL DRAPED IN THE DIAMONDS.

MY VAGINA HELPED RELEASE A GIANT BABY.

IT THOUGHT IT WOULD BE DOING MORE OF THAT. IT'S NOT.

NOW IT WANTS TO TRAVEL.

IT DOES NOT WANT A LOT OF COMPANY.

IT WANTS TO READ AND KNOW THINGS AND GET OUT MORE.

IT WANTS SEX.

IT LOVES SEX.

IT WANTS TO GO DEEPER.

IT'S HUNGRY FOR DEPTH.

IT WANTS KINDNESS.

IT WANTS CHANGE.

IT WANTS SILENCE AND FREEDOM

AND GENTLE KISSES AND WARM LIQUIDS

AND DEEP TOUCH.

IT WANTS CHOCOLATE

IT WANTS TO SCREAM

IT WANTS TO STOP BEING ANGRY!

IT WANTS TO COME.

IT WANTS TO WANT.

IT WANTS.

MY VAGINA, IT WANTS,

IT WANTS EVERYTHING.

February 20, 2007 - "When you See a Chance you Take It"

So, on to the good news...when it rains it pours! Right after I found out about my cancer, I got a really exciting job opportunity that I did not want to pass up.


Ordinary people would never think about switching jobs right after they found out they had a cancer relapse but I decided long ago that I am not ordinary!

I approached my prospective boss and explained my situation to her (and the company). It was a great litmus test to see how comfortable I would feel in the company and how supportive they were of employees in general when challenges arose. The great news is that they could not have been more willing to help me through my "condition". After I heard their response, I decided to accept.

So, as of April 16th, I will be starting as the VP, Marketing for Ann Taylor Corp. I will be overseeing both the Ann Taylor and Loft brands and basically be in charge of helping the company "present" themselves to the public.

I am thrilled by the opportunities that this job promises (not to mention the great discounts!). For those of you who know me well, this is a real dream job. Not only is it a meaty marketing role (and I love marketing!) but it is with a company with which I have a strong affinity. About half of my wardrobe is Ann Taylor or Loft so dressing for the interview was so easy! My mother-in-law jokingly said that she wanted to write a letter of recommendation for me because every year for my birthday or for Chanukah she buys me something from their stores because she knows I will love it.

Another exciting thing about this job offer is that it really helps me to focus on the positive. When faced with the question of whether or not I should jump into the "unknown" when I am just beginning another round of treatment, I realized something very important. I strongly believe that the reason I have handled my diagnosis and my treatments over the past 2.5 years so well is because I have not let cancer "own" me. I have no regrets. Sure, I've missed a short vacation here or there and sometimes I chose not to go to a specific social event. However, I really have no reason to hate cancer because it hasn't prevented me for doing anything I really want to do. I realized at this "cross roads" that if I did not accept this dream job, I would view cancer as an obstacle and as something that has created a barrier towards helping me achieve what I want. This would definitely affect my positive attitude and give me a real reason to hate this disease. For me, I'd rather continue to live life the way I want to and make cancer "fit in" versus the other way around.

I don't start until mid April so I have 3 weeks to relax and just "enjoy". Dave and I are traveling to Florida with the Linns for his parents' 40th anniversary and I have lots of plans to connect with old friends etc. Stay tuned for more!