What Do You Mean I"m Typical?!?!

I showed up at the chemo clinic this past Friday to get my usual "spa treatment". The typical drill is that they check your blood work to make sure that a variety of different components have "bounced back" to normal from the past treatment. Assuming that your red blood cell and white blood cell counts are at normal levels, the Dr's proceed with the chemotherapy treatment.

I have always taken this "drill" as a given since my blood counts have never been questioned. They are always elevated and I am able to proceed with chemo, no problem. My Dr. had started to pull back on some of my shots to see how my blood levels would react with less "medical assistance" but I didn't really think much about it...

However, this past Friday, my blood counts were not high enough and Dr. Maki had to turn me away from treatment. This is the first time in my almost 12 months of receiving chemotherapy that this has happened to me. It is nothing to be alarmed about and the nurses told me that this happens all the time with "typical" patients. What, since when am I typical?!?!

The nurses didn't seem to understand that I am the patient that has defied odds twice now with cancer! I have ALWAYS been in the top 5% of response rates from the chemotherapy treatments and all 3 surgeries have gone as well, if not better, than expected. Telling me that I had a "typical" response was like a slap in the face! How dare you make me realize that I am human and I simply can't surpass all expectations every time!

I dont' remember being this annoyed since the dentist thought I had a cavity from all of the chemotherapy treatments (it is common to get cavities because when blood counts drop, the natural chemical balance in your mouth changes making it harder to flush away bacteria). Since I have NEVER had a cavity in my life, I told him to make up some other reason why he thought I might have to have some work done since I refused to accept that chemo had given me a cavity.

Ask Dave and he will tell you that I have rationalized the cavity situation a hundred different ways since accepting that I just might have had a cavity, is more difficult to handle than the cancer diagnosis!

Truth be told, I was feeling rather tired this past week and certain side effects were flaring up more than usual. So, I can't say it was a complete surprise that my blood counts were not as strong. Also, I was a tiny bit relieved that I could attribute some of my symptoms (lower energy levels, mouth sores, stomach issues) to something tangible. As many of you know, I often get concerned that gradually getting weaker is just something I will have to accept the longer I am on chemo. The good news is that I could blame my low blood counts for my recent lethargy.

So, Dr. Maki sent me away with a little gift (an energy-boosting shot that I love!) and told me to report back next week when we will start again. Hopefully, this "typical" stuff was a mistake and next week I will over-deliver as I typically do.
Have a great week!

The People I've Met Along the Way...

Today is Dave's and my 4th year anniversary. It is hard to believe that we have been married for 4 years. In some ways it feels like forever and in some ways it feels like just yesterday. So, what are we doing to celebrate our special day? Heading to the hospital this afternoon for chemotherapy :) When I look back over our 4 years, 3 of our anniversaries have been marked by some cancer-related event. Our 2nd anniversary I was in the hospital, our 3rd anniversary, I was getting a CT scan and this year I will be back in the hospital for chemotherapy. Many people ask "why don't you move your schedule around so you don't have to deal with cancer stuff on your anniversary?" For me, in an odd way, it feels appropriate to be taking care of these things on September 7th. It has become something that we live with, a part of our lives. All of my treatments and hospital stays are a constant reminder to me of how far Dave and I have come together as a couple. So, it makes sense to show our strength especially on this day. Don't worry, the nice dinner will take place tomorrow night!

Two years ago, I wrote one of my favorite blog entries about Dave (go back into my archives on 9/7/05 to read it). I talked about how, as I stated in my wedding vows, I still might not have the right words to express how much I love Dave, every day we deal with cancer, I have more and more images and memories that take the place of those words.

Today, I find myself thinking about, "If we got married again today, who would be there to celebrate with us? Who would we invite that wasn't there 4 years ago? Who wasn't in my life then that today has become such a strong presence?" Well, the really wonderful news is that I think we would have a much larger, richer invite list! Although our two sets of parents are probably grateful that we didn't have all of these extra folks to invite, I love the fact that Dave and I have met so many amazing friends through our experiences with cancer.

I can't IMAGINE what my life would be like without the people I've met along the way.

The teams of nurses and Doctors at Memorial Sloan-Kettering Cancer Center that have become a second family to me. I realized the other day that beyond my husband and my co-workers, I see my nurses and Dr's more frequently than anyone else in my life! They have really, truly taken me under their wing and have made this experience as goo

d as it can possibly be. The keep me going and celebrate my strength and positive attidue every day.

The cancer patients and survivors who every day inspire me to keep going. Everyone one of them has their own amazing story and we all push each other to live each day to their fullest. From the amazing group of "cancer chicks" I was introduce to early on in my diagnosis (Meg, Kat, Samara, Amanda, Lisa and Cynthia) to the MSKCC "Rock & Run survivor board of directors who put together a truly inspiring event to reward survivorship. Friends like Donnalynn and Rich and Michael and Gloria who I've met through Spin4Survival, my doctor or by roaming the halls of MSKCC. People who have become fast friends despite age differences and different types of cancers.

Amazing people who I would have never met if it weren't for cancer. From Edward my wig stylist to Debbie my hospital reflexologist...

Many people have a hard time understanding me when I say this but I do truly believe that cancer has ENRICHED my life in so many ways. My life was so rich just a few years ago but it is even more rich today.