I Know You Mean Well But…

As many of you know, I have been toying around with the idea of writing a humorous, small book that shares all of the annoying, insensitive or inappropriate things that people have said to me over the past 5 years. The title of the book would be I Know You Mean Well But…because I genuinely believe that people have good intentions. They often get flustered and rather just say something sweet and pure like “I love you and I think it stinks you have to deal with this,” they try to fill the airtime with silly things.

Many of my friends have joked with me over the past few years saying that they are now even more cautious about what they say around me because they don’t want to be in the book. I tell people that although no names will be mentioned, it’s my hope that people “see” themselves in the stories of the book and learn how to be even more supportive and constructive to family members and friends who are dealing with cancer. It’s not a bad thing to realize that you may have said some of the things I mention in the book. In fact, before I went through this, I said a lot of the things that I realize now aren’t that helpful!

I also realize that every patient’s experience is a very personal one. Another patient may, in fact, appreciate something that might offend me.

I always tell people that the best thing to do is to just listen and “go with the flow”. Rather than bring an agenda to a conversation with a patient, just go in very open-minded and comfortable with letting the discussion flow in whatever way the patient is feeling. There are indeed some days that I want to do a lot more talking than others. My moods change and I can’t provide any “sure fire” approach that will always work.

So, in the spirit of full disclosure, I will share with you something that really annoys me. MANY people have committed this foul so if you see yourself in this story, believe me, you are not alone.

I really don’t like when people inquire about the status of my hair growth.

It’s understandable why people ask…I haven’t been on chemo for 4 months now and naturally my hair is starting to grow back. Also, now when I go to the gym or wear a bandana, one can see that my hair is starting to grow back.

People often make the following type of comments:

· Stating the Obvious – “Jen, your hair is growing back”

· Inquiring/Being Nosy – “What’s going on with your hair?”

· Pressuring Me into not Wearing Wigs Anymore – “You should stop wearing your wig anymore, it looks fine”

My issue with these comments is that it’s really no one’s business what I do with my hair and I will take off my wigs when I am good and ready. In general, I hate comments that don’t really have a purpose. I don’t understand the intention of a comment like “Your hair is growing back”. Are you trying to say something deeper or you are content just making an observation that serves no purpose?

I think it makes other people feel better to see that my hair is growing back. To them, it’s a sign that maybe I am no longer sick. The reality though is that my hair growth is merely a physical representation of the fact that I haven’t had chemo in a few months. In no way does it mean that my odds of the cancer coming back have changed nor that I am in the clear health-wise.

It’s also tough for me, as my hair takes longer to grow back each time I have treatments. In the past, I have taken off my wigs just to have the cancer return a few months later. Then, suddenly, everyone is commenting on my hair because it went from a short cut to a long cut (the wigs). Basically, I just don’t want to deal with it right now.

If my hair growth meant that the odds were in my favor or that the doctors thought the cancer was really behind me, then I would understand why people want to talk about it.

If my hair growth was something that I expressed was important for me to talk about, then I would understand why people want to talk about it.

The truth is, I just don’t want to talk about it. Thanks for understanding. If you want to be supportive just tell me that you love me and you hope and pray that there is no more cancer in my future.

Finding the Perfect Balance

The past few weeks have been jam-packed. I spent a week in California combining business with pleasure. I spent a few days visiting colleagues in Los Angeles and then flew to San Francisco for the weekend to catch up with lots of friends. It was so great to see my friends and meet so many of their children for the first time!

This trip marked my first real business travel trip since I recovered from my surgery and it felt great. Although I do notice that traveling takes a lot out of me. When I returned home on t

he following Monday, I slept over 10.5 hours to recover from the jet lag!

I am doing really well. However, I am finding that the hardest part of recovering is finding the perfect balance between “moving forward” and “remembering the past.” One the one hand, I want to move beyond the cancer and jump into new activities both feet forward. On the other hand, I find that I get overwhelmed when I have too much on my plate at one time.

I find that the easiest thing to give up is taking care of oneself and I refuse to do that this time. It is so important for me to eat well and sleep well and manage my stress. It is often hard to do this when you are working a full-time job, gearing up for the 4^th year of Cycle for Survival and trying to see friends and relax a bit.

It’s not my intention to complain as I know that everyone has to juggle all of the activities in their life. I just find that it has been harder for me lately to “do it all.” In order to get everything done that I want to, I need to live a very rigid lifestyle which I don’t like to do. However, I don’t want to use the cancer card and remind people that I need to prioritize and minimize my commitments. However, I find that sometimes I want to throw my hands up and say “I need to take it slow”.

It’s odd to me that I don’t have a lot of anxiety around the cancer returning but I do experience anxiety over much smaller matters (e.g. will I get all that I need to done at work? Will I be able to get all of my errands done this Saturday?) I wonder if it is natural for patients to displace their anxiety in this way. I guess I have more control over getting my work done or completing errands than the disease so it would make sense.

I guess the bright side is that I have a very full life and have so much that I want to accomplish and get done. Since I don’t want to give anything up, I will continue to struggle with how to balance all that I do.

The irony is that when I was dealing with chemotherapy or surgery, I had no problem finding that balance. There was a clear “top priority” and nothing else seemed to matter. Now, all of the small stuff (which is fun and delightful), tends to cloud my vision. And if this is all what I have to complain about, I am truly lucky in life. Thank goodness that I have gotten to the point that I can afford to sweat the small stuff again!